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Cascade

Good morning. quick recap. I Am Getting dropped off to the same escorts which took me to Aspen. We’re in the Bay Area, California, we just left  Salt Lake City, Utah. it is about a six hour drive up to the middle of nowhere in Northern California. If you look on the map, it’s easier to look for Redding, California, then about 15 miles from there, there was a small itty bitty town called Whitmore. And then a little bit further into the abyss was the school, the therapeutic boarding school called Cascade.

Cascade was a boarding school. So if you remember back in middle school, I had been in boarding school. boarding schools, I’ve already been there,, since my parents died, I think I had maybe lived one year in a home. That’s total combined time, not consecutive. Sixth, seventh, and eighth grade, I was in boarding school, midway through ninth grade, I was sent away. So maybe a year and a half I lived in a home. Everything else was institutions.

Cascade is a massive property. You pull into the perimeter, the administrative buildings are on the left. On the right, you have dorms, individual dorms, like little cabins. There’s four boy cabins and then maybe four or five girl cabins. The girl cabins were on a different part of the campus. So they weren’t right next to the guys, obviously. There was a road that separated the sexes.

The first day, I met this lady who became kind of like a mom, but not. For a few years, she took the place of mom in a sense. Like everyone else, people will say they love you. But how long do they actually love you? So, I don’t believe in what people say, people make lots of promises, because it sounds like a good idea at the time. But then they meet other people or they move on in their life and the commitments or the promises they made are never held, because it was a good idea at the time. But everything in life moves forward. It doesn’t go backwards, or stay stagnant.

Cascade was a therapeutic boarding school. It was very different from any environment anywhere else in the world. So let me just go over some of the rules. So you have this thing called bans. Bans means that if there was a person sitting right next to me, and the two of us were on bans, I’m not allowed to acknowledge that person. I’m not allowed to talk to that person. It doesn’t matter if it’s a girl or a boy. It could be a girl, could be a boy. And you get put on bans for numerous reasons. So if you’re too close to somebody, they’ll put you on bans. When you first get to Cascade, you’re on time limits. You’re only allowed to spend 15 minutes a day talking to somebody. So if you became friends with somebody, you’re only allowed 15 minutes a day to talk to that person.

Now if staff or if other class members were to see that you were hanging out with this person, let’s say they see you hanging out with this person at breakfast or in the morning time. Then later on, they see you hanging with this person during the middle of the day, they see you hanging out with this person at nighttime, they’re going to snitch on you, tell on you, they’re going to tell staff that, “Oh, Erik and this other person has been hanging out too long. So they shouldn’t be talking together.” So then you could be put on bans, then you’re not allowed to talk to this person at all, this person no longer exists.

I mean, anything that you can think of, you can be put on bans with. It’s not like being put on bans is reserved people, you can be put on bans with a type of food, you can be put on bans with a type of clothes, you can be put on bans with get creative, really just get creative, whatever your staff figured would be optimal punishment for you, So there really was no limit to what people could punish you for, if that makes sense. So they could get quite creative on what they would allow you to do and what you’re not allowed to do. So at one point in time, I was put on bans with the entire school besides like the five people I would have never wanted to talk to.

But that’s later on in the story. If they wanted to make your life a living hell, they could. What’s worse it was more like a cult. If they wanted to make your life a living hell, they have their little goon squad, people who loved the system,the ones really sold into the program. I would call them “Program Nazi” spies watching you all the time, if that makes sense. It’s a police society in a sense, or almost like a secret society too because you literally didn’t know who would use information against you to better themselves, to become friends, become closer to a staff member, to show more brand loyalty, I guess you could say.

Cascade was different from Aspen. We didn’t have to do any hiking. It was a boarding school. So you had to go to school, the typical things you would think of in any normal school. But in addition, the therapeutic part is what changed this school from a typical boarding school. So the therapy, so let’s discuss, we have three different forums a week.

What is a forum? A forum is a conflict resolution event or therapy event. What they would do is, I will, explain the forum and then I’ll explain how this can be manipulated, and turn into gang warfare. What would happen is you would have, depending on the size of the group, so on Mondays and Fridays, it was school wide forums. So you could be in a forum with anyone from any family, anyone that goes to that school, you can be placed in a forum with that person.

Wednesday, a family, your family when you’re at the school, it consists of the people that got to the school around the same time that you did. So if someone got there two days after me or two days before me, then it didn’t matter what age group they were. They could be in ninth grade, they could be in 12th grade, they could be in 11th grade, 10th grade, does not matter. Towards the end, the kids start getting younger and younger. It didn’t matter as long as you got to the program at the same time, that was your family.

Now, Wednesdays like I said were your family forums. With my family a lot of kids came in a short amount of time. So my family turned out to be one of the largest, I think it was the largest family at the school. So there might have been, let’s say, 200 to 150 students, and out of all those students, there were 50 people in my family. So like a big part of the school was a part of my family. My family was so large we had subfamilies. 

So for what type of issues would be resolved at the forum? anything that you can think of. If you felt that someone was being lazy in math class or being disruptive, you could bring them to a forum for that. If you feel that when someone was on a work project, they were slacking, you can bring them to a forum on that. If someone wasn’t making their bed to your standards, you could bring them to a forum on that. If you’ve seen someone spit on the ground that you didn’t enjoy, you can take someone to a forum on that.

I hope you’re getting the point. A forum was a central place where you could literally discuss anything that’s on your mind. And so what would happen is, say 15 people in the forum. They’re all sitting in a circle looking at each other. Now, when you had your griping session, I think you got 15 minutes, maybe it might have been five, depending on how many people ganged up on you, I’ll explain that in a second, kind of how long it took. So if there’s one person just yelling and screaming at you, then one person yelling, there’s only so much yelling that one person can do before they get tired and they keep repeating themselves.

If it was one person, and no one else was piggybacking, then conflict resolution could go pretty fast. So like I said, you can only really yell and scream at somebody for maybe 5 – 10 minutes. And then when there’s no more energy, especially if the person doesn’t rebuttal. But if they do they get 5 – 10 – 15 minutes to address the problem to somebody, then that person would have a rebuttal, so they could defend themselves.

Then, if I remember correctly, it was an open forum, people could say what they wanted to say, when the moderator, the staff realized that okay, this is a dead subject, we’d move on.

 Ganging up on people, where it basically became turf warfare, or even I’d say psychological warfare a little bit better, is you could bring your friends with you. So the staff got to decide. They would make the forums, they had this little forum box. So in essence, it makes sense. If you have an issue with somebody, how are staff going to know to put you guys in the same forum to discuss the issue? They can’t. They’re not mind readers, so they have this little box. You put your problem in the box, and then you put all the friends that supposedly know about the issue. I say supposedly, because if you just wanted to gang up on somebody, you just add your friends. If you want a yelling and screaming match, then you put people in there that you know are good at yelling and screaming at people, or you put people in there that are like program Nazis, because the program Nazi always had something to yell at.

If you looked at the ground funny, a program Nazi could find fault. A program Nazi could yell at you for anything. They were professional belittlers and yellers. Let’s say you’re stuck in a forum, You don’t remember what happened (you could remember, you could not remember) but then you start seeing, because you could tell it was click, you can see who was this person’s friends. You see this person sit down and your like, “All right, yeah, I figured it out. I got into an argument with this person. Yeah, this little motherfucker.” you can tell when you see someone come in and then your mind starts to remember, “Oh yeah, I remember. I figured you might come and try to take this out on me here. But then you start seeing their friends come in. You’re like, “Oh, fuck dude, this is not going to be fun.”

like I said, the conflict is not resolved until all party members get their yelling done. So if there’s a lot of yelling, or people just didn’t like you, the yelling session could go on for about an hour. I mean, the forum went for two and a half hours. So they literally could have a two and a half hour yelling session directed at you. And I’m not talking about yelling as in, we’re just talking loudly. No, in a forum, you have to be three chairs away from somebody so they don’t feel threatened. Then you literally can yell and scream until you have no voice left. It doesn’t matter if you make any sense, it doesn’t matter if this whole session is a personal issue and you just felt like you wanted to yell and scream at somebody and take it out on somebody. You are able to in this environment.

Now foreshadowing, when I was in Mexico, they wanted me to implement these forums into the Mexican social environment long story short, it does not always work how you want it to. It ended up being one of my worst mistakes, by utilizing and understanding forums. I upset the main Mexican manager, in the forum. After he had a vendetta and I was in trouble, I lost everything and was kicked out. But like I said, that’s a different story. We’ll get into that at a different time.

Hopefully I paint a picture for you of what a forum is. It’s mostly just a circle session, for conflict resolution. Now the therapy can come in. if you’re paying attention, you could literally learn how to screw someone up mentally, because it’s all leading with leading questions. For example, someone’s having a bad day, some staff were better than other staff. Some staff would make you feel uncomfortable, so then it shuts your emotions down. But other staff would be really, really leading. They were really good at manipulating your thoughts, persuasion? no, manipulation. They could, once you start thinking about something, it could be any issue. Now, mind you, this is with 15 random people unless it’s with your family. If it’s your family, then you know them a little bit better. But I’ve seen some wow, craziness I never imagined there was that much snot in someone’s body. Like, wow, say someone’s having a hard time, the staff would lead you, keep leading you, then tell you to close your eyes and imagine the situation.

There are certain ways you can paint a picture for somebody and make that person relive what they’re going through. Yelling and screaming can entice you in a defensive way. But then it can also, by talking louder and taking control of a situation, you can control someone’s emotions when they’re in a very vulnerable state. I’ve watched some of the staff truly manipulate people’s emotions when they’re in this state. it is the most uncomfortable situation you can be in when someone’s really emotional and they’re crying all over the place. this other part where, like I said, the manipulation part, just because someone’s yelling at you, it doesn’t necessarily mean that they’re yelling at you. They could be yelling to get something out of you.

They had this other thing called running anger and when you ran anger, this is where I’ve never seen snot fly all over the place. Running anger, wow if it’s the first time in the room and you’re in one of these forums and you don’t know what it is, you literally could have nightmares that night on what you just saw because it looks like something out of The Exorcist really! They’ll have snot and just hanging out of their nose and mouth and it’s  touching the ground. And they got their heads in between their legs and they’re yelling and screaming and snot flying, they’re sniffing it in, and out like The Exorcist. It’s gross and it’s really uncomfortable.

It could give you issues, let’s just put it like that. Literally you have issues after having to go and watch this, it’s not normal. So those are forums, and those usually happen two and a half hours on Monday, Wednesday, Friday, then let’s see. How did they clean the dishes? And how did they feed you? Well, they had staff. So it’s not to say there’s no staff. But then you can’t put kids to work. It’s called child labor, at least in the United States, you’re not allowed to. However, community service is not considered work. That is a service to the community. the more trouble they gave you, the more community service you got to do.

So what do you mean, Erik? What type of community service? Well, you got first time, second times, and max times. So first time was like 15 minutes after dinner, you had to help clean up the tables Second times, I think it was like 30 minutes, then you might have had third times, which is like an hour. And then max times is you’re not leaving until everything’s done. Now, you’d be like, “Well, that’s not that bad.” But when you think about it, just think about it, what if no one’s in trouble, then you don’t have a work staff.

So it is impossible for you to have a school where no one’s in trouble, because you won’t be able to get anything done. It’s an incentive to keep people in trouble, because you need a cleaning staff to clean up after the dishes, to vacuum, to be on work projects around the property. Does that make sense? So there’s no possible way this program works if they don’t have people in trouble. There’s no way, because you can’t get your dishes cleaned. You can’t do certain things that require manpower. So I got a lot of community service, let’s just say that, a lot of community service.

It didn’t matter what you did. Any staff could put you in trouble, didn’t matter. Any staff, if they see me do something, they didn’t like, they could put you on dishes. I’ve already told the story in a different chapter so I’ll reiterate the story again. When I got back from my extended vacation, they put me on bans with everybody in the school. They also put me on max time dishes. So rain or shine, I had to be doing dishes at all times. So did I do anything to deserve that? No. Did it matter? No. Because my counselor figured it would be good for me to be a work slave. So I had no choice. I had to be a work slave for no other choice, no other reason than my counselor told me I had to.

That literally is what they told me. “We want to see if we can break you.” So they made my life a living hell, just to see if I was truly committed or not from the vacation where they sent me to actual hell, not a living hell. They sent me to actual hell and then I got back and then they made my life a living hell to see if I was committed. Obviously, I was not very committed and three weeks later, they kicked me out for being too influential on other students. You can only push so far before all your pushing breaks, it can go exactly opposite of what you wanted. About a year after they kicked me out, the whole school was gone. You can’t push too hard or you might ruin everything.

Matter of fact, two years after I was done with all this, almost every programs I discus in this book was shut down for child abuse. So we discussed a little bit of dishes, we discussed the forums. So yeah, work projects, so work projects, I discussed a little bit but work projects were basically what they sound like. You are for eight to 10 hours or 24 hours, however long they really made you do this, you had to do whatever the staff told you to do. Now, it could be vacuuming in one of the central areas. It could be sweeping the porches, simple things like that. There were a massive amount of Canadian geese, so it could be as belittling as walking around and picking up goose poop for hours upon hours filling bags of shit.

Another example of getting in trouble, so staff could do this to you, did not matter. It was a totalitarian environment where as a student, you had no rights, nothing. Staff literally could do whatever they want to you. We were playing football, I guess you could call it recess, when you could play sports, the time limits weren’t active, they didn’t care. you could play basketball with bans, it wasn’t always a horrible place, not every minute. Was it a place I would want to live forever? No, most definitely not. But was it always hell? No, it wasn’t.

So we’re playing football. It was probably about 10 of us. And we got tired of playing football. We decided that we wanted to play basketball. We were walking in. Now we’re playing tackle football. We were already done. Staff came, heard we were playing tackle football and did not care that as a collective group, we decided not to play football anymore and not tackle each other. And as a collective group, we’re going to play basketball. She didn’t care. She came out on her high horse and yelled and screamed at all of us and put us on work projects for the rest of the day having to pick up goose poop and put us all on bans.

Why? Still not really sure. Like I said, we had already solved the problem. So for her coming out and doing that, it was more of just a show of force, “I’m boss and all of you have to listen.” That’s how the staff could control you. If you see how easy the staff can change your life, what if the staff doesn’t really like you? They can make your life hell for no other reason than they don’t like you. So that’s a very important thing that you have to understand. If staff didn’t like you, your life was going to suck.

After changing my counselor a few times I got one of the owners of the school. This changed everything because now, I’m one of the owners of the school’s kids. He could trump everything anyone else said. My little sub family. Remember, I told you about my huge family, which was like 50 to 60 people, but then in that, we had subfamilies. Our sub family was really small, maybe like six or seven people. My sub family was the only family who had one of the owners as our counselor.

We ended up getting more privileges than everybody else. Other staff couldn’t fuck with me as much as they wanted. If they wanted to fuck with me, to punish me or something, they almost had to go talk to my counselor before they made a decision, as if it was anyone else, they easily can make a decision and they could literally ruin someone’s life like that. It would be no problem. But during the time that I had the owner’s protection, there’s nothing that any other staff could do to really mess with my life, if that makes any sense.

The owner of the place, in his eyes, he understood I didn’t have much of anybody. His whole mission while he was my counselor was he wanted to create Cascade as a reliable place for me and wanted it to be my home. The way he approached me, was different than with anyone else. So he wanted to let me know that no matter what happened, I always had a home. I don’t know if that makes a lot of sense. But that was what he wanted.

During this, he built a gap between me and my aunt on my mom’s side. she was my mom, if you remember from past chapters. What they did is (they should never have had me do this. Never, ever, had me do this) they had me write a letter. It was a very terrible letter I wrote, they prompted me to get everything off of my chest. So my mom died. My dad died. They wanted me to blame somebody, because it’s difficult to create therapy for families, if there’s no issues between the family and the student.

Everyone else was with their families like Mommy, Daddy. I was with aunts and uncles that I never really lived with. They don’t really know me. I don’t really know them. Its hard to work on family issues if there’s no family. My issues were more “his mom, his dad, everybody died. He got caught smoking weed, fix him.” With other families it was well, “With Tommy since he was four.”, there’s more drawn out, there’s more therapy that can be done. it was both sides of the equator wanting to work with each other. With me, it was fix him. It wasn’t my family. There’s nothing wrong with my family. They did nothing wrong. We are not participating on anything. Fix him. There was no, “At the end of this, we’re going to be family.” It was, “Just send him somewhere and get rid of him. He’ll be 18 soon enough.” So that was a huge difference. That’s part of the reason my counselor wanted Cascade to be my home. He understood, this kid, didn’t have a family and his family wanted nothing to do with him. They are literally just sending him somewhere because no one wants him at their house. They don’t want to deal with their dead sister or brother’s problem. So while he was my counselor, I was untouchable, people kind of walked on eggshells around me because of my counselor, this worked for good, but it also worked for bad. We’ll go back to this in just a minute.

So what therapy was done at Cascade? Okay, you had these 24 hour therapy sessions. It’s a 24 hour group therapy session. Your first Workshop was the Truth. The truth, you try to find out who or what your truth is, which I’ll explain in a second, The second Workshop was the Youth. What did you dream to be when you were a little kid? The Brothers or Sisters, you each individually go through a workshop together as a single sex to build a closer bond with your friends. the Heroes how do you become a hero, like your own hero a person people aspire to be like. There were a couple more but I did not make it that far in the program.

The truth was fairly interesting. Again the manipulation of emotions occurred. Obviously, you  have forums inside these workshops, but they were forums on steroids. It was intense, to say the least, very intense to say the least. You have shame circle forums, where everyone around the room had to talk about things that they were really shameful about.

Now, this is great. Get it all out there. But if you weren’t really shameful for anything, you almost had to lie. I was an athlete, I smoked weed. What was I shameful for? I wasn’t shameful for shit. But then when you hear someone else, “Like seriously, wow, you’re fucked up.” But then when it comes around to you, you’re thinking like, “Oh, fuck dude, I got to think of something.” It ain’t got to be horrible. But God damn, I can’t sit here and be like, “I’m shameful because I didn’t make a basketball shot.” You know what I’m saying? like 10 seconds to go, and I missed the shot. And I’m shameful for it. That doesn’t work when you just hear some of the things you’ve just heard. Some of the things are private, if that individual person were to read what I’m saying, I don’t want to repeat the things I heard. But let’s just say a lot of things I heard were really bad. Like wow, are you serious? God damn. it was during the truth, you’re on the inner part of your shame. But by the heroes. Now, like I said, you kind of had to dig deep. Now people are used to opening up. So they’re talking about like, “Whoa, and you sleep next to me? I got to keep my eye open when I sleep now.”

Yeah, so that was fun. The truth was, I mean the shame circle, running anger, different exercises to try to put you back in the situation. Basically trying to manipulate your mind to change situations by yelling and screaming and crying with music. The youth, more of the same, but it was more geared toward, go back to when you were a kid when everything was so easy and free and what did you want to be, which was kind of bullshit too. During that workshop, everyone, no, I’m not weak, like most of the people that were there. And I’m not buying into this whole flip floppity, dippity, doppity fucking magic bullshit that they wanted to have me believe in. It just wasn’t for me. It wasn’t real, like what the fuck, I’ll do your stupid shit but don’t think that I’m going to be learning.

I’m like I was basically in school learning how to manipulate. I’ve seen some of the tactics and I was interested, like how the hell did he get him to do that? Man, this is pure power. They’re literally showing you how you could overpower people and be in complete control of the other person. So I was more learning, absorbing, even to this day. Yeah, I went through bullshit when I was there. But some of the things I learned and some of the traits and some of the tactics that I see that they use on the kids, I can see how they did it. That’s how I can say it was a very manipulative, and fucked up place, some of the tactics that they use now that I understand the tactics, were manipulative and fucked up. There is no other explanation besides it was pure unadulterated power.

They had supreme power over you, one, told you what you could and could not do. Two, they knew how to mentally fuck with you. Three, they could isolate you to enhance your punishment. They could turn the entire school against you, if they wanted to. When you see the dynamics of that, it’s too much power unchecked. And that’s why I can see how a lot of people and a lot of kids have a lot of issues after this, because the staff was given too much power over their emotions and their life.

I mean, both sides can argue as much as they want. But that simple fact that the staff had too much power over our well beings, over what we ate, over everything, they had complete control over everything. And when someone has complete control over whatever, they become evil. It’s just human nature. If you don’t believe me, look at the Stanford experiment. It is human nature.

So it can turn you into an animal, basically. So during the Youth, I’m tougher than most people. So they all hear my story. And they want to reflect like, they didn’t understand why I’m not boohoo crying every five minutes, and I’m not as emotionally fucked up as they were, which is, I mean it’s ridiculous. But people hate me for this. They literally would hate me for this. And how do I know they hate me for it? Because they told me they hated me for it. It was either the youth or the heroes, one of those. It was in one of the workshops. One of the exercises was I choose to hurt you. How do I choose to hurt you? Now that’s an interesting exercise. It really is. Because when you think about it, you really understand that wow, I thought you were my friend, dude. You’re literally out to get me and I’m over here thinking that we were best friends.

When you run that I choose to hurt you exercise with your friends, actually matter of fact, that’s probably why I believe I do not believe in friends, probably because I choose to hurt you. If you think about people, they actually make conscious choices to choose to hurt you, then every single person in the group. “I don’t like how you handle your parents’ death.” So basically, I hate you that you can handle it better than I can. This isn’t my fault. But they would hate me for it. And there’s nothing I could do about it.

Like here I am. I got a fucked up life. Everything’s fucked up. And then here are my best Friends, the people I cared about telling me that they hate me because of my life, something I had no control over. That’s not fair to me. Years later, I meet my biological brother and he says, within the first three weeks of us knowing each other, he says, “I envy your life.” How the fuck could you envy a life of nothing but struggle?

17th birthday. Remember, when I was like, my family was the biggest family? Yeah. Do you remember how I also said, now, I had some of the staff, one of the owners of the school was my staff. Well, he wasn’t going to be there for my birthday. He had to go on some vacation or something, some business meeting. So before, my birthday was on a Wednesday, maybe Saturday or Sunday, my counselor took our subgroup, which was like I said seven, eight people. And he threw me a party. So we got to listen to music, have a good time. And I’m not the only one that got to enjoy this. I’m not the only one. There were more people that got to enjoy this. Again, it was like seven to eight people. And it wasn’t for any other thing, because it was my birthday. And my family always forgets, he knew that. Again, he was trying to make Cascade my house, my family, my home.So he wanted to do something nice for me. 

Now on my birthday, my program mom I was there. She wanted to do something nice for me. It is a sad thing that when it’s your birthday, you have to beg someone to not do anything nice for you. I begged her, “Don’t do anything for my birthday. Please don’t do anything for my birthday.” Do you think she listened? No, because she was like my mom. she was like, “That’s the most ridiculous shit I’ve ever heard Erik, I’m going to do something for your birthday.” Know what she did? She got me “jack in the box”, a hamburger. She tried to do it in secret. She got me a hamburger for my birthday.

Did she get me just a hamburger? No. She got another one of my friends. And this was her excuse. This is literally what she told me. She said, “Erik, now I brought your friend with you.” Again, I’m not mentioning names, “I brought a friend with you. No one can say that I’m being nice just to you. They can’t say it because I’m not doing it just for you. I’m doing it for this other person too.” And she bought him a hamburger too. Now she got me a little cake. She tried to make a point that “Erik, I’m not doing this just for you. So no one can say that you’re whatever.” And I was like, “Oh man.”, because I’m appreciative. But I knew I was going to get hell for this.

I know you are probably like, I don’t understand. Why would you get hell for someone being nice to you? Remember, I told you, I choose to hate, I choose to hurt you because every person in this bloody environment hated me for some reason. I don’t know why. My life was harder than all of their lives. But for some reason, they all want to take it out on me.

So later that day on my birthday, turning 17 years old, we have one of the largest forums I’ve ever been in. It was the entire family. So like I said, 50 people, kids, then you had the staff. So there had to be like 60 people, and I have never experienced this in my life. And I never will. But it made me tough, made me tough. for my birthday, it was the most ridiculous shit I’ve ever been through. Remember I told you, in a forum, if there’s only one person yelling at you, you got to sit there for 10 – 15 minutes. Well, everyone in this group was jealous that the staff gave me a birthday party and that the other staff bought me a fucking hamburger. So one by fucking one, each of them had their two cents to sit and yell at me, for manipulating the staff manipulating everything else.

The only people, the only people that could not say anything, was my sub family of seven people. So we’re talking what, seven plus me, eight, we’re talking about fucking damn near 42 people, one at a fucking time got to yell and scream at me for manipulating the staff. Now you would think, “Okay, it’s just the students.” No, no, it was the damn staff themselves. This was the one opportunity that I had no protection and not a single person could defend me. They all went ham on me, every last one of them had something to say, yelling, screaming I’m a manipulator. I’m a terrible person. I’m the worst person, the worst person known to man. All I do is manipulate staff and I’m trying to explain to them, “I fucking begged her not to do this. She did it anyway.” “You manipulated her to do it. “How the fuck did I manipulate someone to do something when I’m begging her not to do it?” “That’s how you manipulated her.” “What the fuck are you even talking about?”     

Sorry about that. Still got a little energy behind this I guess. All right, so after my birthday… Yeah, we’re going to really sum this up, because I basically have 15 minutes. The school started going to shit. What ended up happening is… Remember I told you a little… The program Nazis. Well, the program Nazis were weak. They were not the strong character people of the school. They were weak, and they built strength from being a Nazi.

When you have the group behind you… It’s like a police officer. Think of a police officer. A police officer without his badge on, he’s just a normal person. And if he’s like 140 pounds, he’s a scrawny normal person that no one will listen to. But he puts that badge on and he has his little stick that if you don’t listen he can hit you, well now he has authority and he has power. But what happens when you have nothing but weak people in those situations, eventually no one cares. They cannot control situations, because people don’t respect them. They only respect the badge. But when the badge is no longer respected, then it doesn’t matter who carries the baton or who is in charge of this little program, the little Nazis of the program, because if you have weak people in positions of leadership, that house is going to fall, and there’s no way it’s not going to fall.

Now just because every last one of these people told me how much they hated me and how my life was so much easier than theirs and how I manipulated everybody. Now after the forum, I’m supposed to forget everything like this shit didn’t happen on my birthday. Do you think I’ve ever forgotten? No.

What happened after that? So part of the reason why all these people could yell at me is because all these people. I was stronger than all these people. Not one of them could approach me alone, so they had to gather 50 people together in order for them to find strength to yell at me, because other than that, I had more influence over each individual person than they knew. I don’t know if this happened or not, but I was told it happened.

Now to sum up my experience at Cascade. I had moved up, so I no longer had the protection of the owner of the school. We had moved up in the program and now they were giving us new counselors. There was a strong counselor, a really strong counselor, but he was white. And the school didn’t want me to be with him. There was a Native American counselor who was a minority, so they figured that it would be best if minorities were with minorities. Now the difference between these two counselors. One was much bigger than I was, stronger, was in the gym, and a no-nonsense type of person. The other one was almost half my size, I was already bigger than he was.

So why did they give me the little scrawny person opposed to the bigger person, the person I would respect to the person that… You better respect me. A little different. You see what I’m saying? So why did they choose that? Never know, because the only way the little scrawny person could get my attention was through punishments by trying to threaten me, that’s how scrawny people operate. They try to inflict power over people, which it’s very difficult… If you’re half the size of the person you’re trying to show that you’re powerful, that’s nearly impossible unless you can use shady tactics, such as a police badge or a counselor badge.

I remember, I got mad. I got real mad one time, and the bigger counselor had to intervene, I would have beat his little ass (my counselor). I would have fucked him up. After what he did, you probably would have joined me. What did he do? I was not in trouble. I didn’t do anything. Since he was the supreme leader of my life, the controller of my life. I can’t even imagine this. These people were like 30 years old. I’m 37 right now. These people are younger than I am right now in complete control of other people’s lives. They suspended me, not a normal suspension you are thinking about. One morning, I didn’t do anything wrong. I’m woken up and told someone needed to talk to me. It’s like seven in the morning. They told me they “saw something in me and they didn’t want it to disappear”. Was my little scrawny counselor the one telling me this? No. It was other staff, staff I respected, so I wouldn’t go berserk on them. I respected them. Where am I going? You’re going to CEDU.

CEDU was a place that everybody knew you never wanted to go to. CEDU was like you’re already in hell, now you get to go meet the devil in the flesh. And everyone knew CEDU was miserable, absolutely miserable. But they decided to send me there, not because I had done anything wrong. Because again, they wanted to test me. I don’t know if this is true. This part, I don’t know if it’s true. When they sent me away, everyone from the dorms came out and watched me leave and had a day of defiance. Which again, I don’t know if this is true. I was told they did that.

Which brings it back to my entire family yelling and screaming at me. So they were yelling and screaming at me. But at the same time, they probably loved me more than anybody else. I don’t know. It’s so weird. They’d follow me, but then also wanting to yell at me and belittle me, human nature.

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